Melbourne-based Sharyn County, General Manager of Procurement and Real Estate at APA Group, recently released a powerful new book, shedding light on the silent struggles of unsuccessful IVF journeys.
‘What Now…I Don’t Have Kids!’ chronicles Sharyn’s deeply personal four-year battle with infertility, including the physical struggles plus the psychological grief and heartache associated with discontinuing IVF treatment.
PASA recently sat down with Sharyn to learn more about her memoir and the impact of IVF.
PASA: How would you describe ‘What now…I don’t have kids!’?
Sharyn: The book discusses the often overlooked, stigmatised and silent topic of infertility. It provides a raw and honest account of my journey, offering comfort and support to those struggling with similar challenges. I want to encourage readers to appreciate what they have, rather than dwelling on what they don’t have or can’t control. By sharing my story, I aim to help others feel less alone and offer them hope and understanding.
The book also emphasises the importance of personal growth, self-acceptance and the transformative power of vulnerability in navigating these life-changing events. It focuses on the importance of optimism, resilience and the ability to adapt to circumstances beyond your control.
I am hoping that my story is a testament to resilience, authenticity and the power of vulnerability. Through my honest reflections, I am hopeful that I have created a space of comfort, understanding and community for those who suffer in silence.
I also explore the societal expectations of motherhood and the challenges I faced navigating these expectations. I am trying to convey a message of hope and inspiration, shining a light on alternative paths to fulfilment. Ultimately, I am hoping it inspires readers to live a fulfilling and happy life, regardless of the challenges they may face.
I want this book to be a powerful resource for anyone grappling with infertility, offering solace, understanding and practical tips on how to come to terms with life without children.
P: What inspired you to share your story?
S: Just before starting my journey of writing this book, I watched as my nieces and nephews began having children, and my siblings and in-laws became grandparents. I, all of a sudden, realised I was not going to experience this either. I had not contemplated that at all.
This prompted me to write about my journey through infertility, and my evolving feelings from failure to fulfilment and the need to get more discussion happening, given infertility is recognised as a significant global health issue affecting 1 in 6 individuals globally, so I wanted to shed light on the emotional, psychological and societal impacts of this experience.
Imagine being in a room with 20 people of reproductive age; statistically, three of them would struggle with infertility yet, even with these staggering figures, we find ourselves feeling alone in our struggles, feeling like failures or worse, too ashamed to voice our pain.
P: Who do you think will benefit most from your book?
S: The book is aimed at a broad audience, especially those who have experienced infertility or life circumstances that have prevented them from having children. It is dedicated to anyone who has faced infertility at any time in their life. By sharing my journey, I hope to help others feel less alone and provide support and understanding. The book also aims to assist those who are grappling with childlessness or navigating their journey, and trying to understand the implications of an unsuccessful outcome.
The book will benefit anyone struggling with IVF, not being a parent or even supporting someone else in this situation. It’s a book that helps explain the feelings and challenges faced by anyone experiencing this type of grief. I believe it is essential reading for anyone involved in this process or supporting someone who is.
P: How did the process of writing such a personal memoir affect you? Was it healing, difficult or both?
S: The experience of writing this book impacted me in many ways, and there were moments when I wondered why I started this process. My emotions fluctuated as I reflected on my feelings during that time and the grief I experienced.
The book should have been finished at least 18 months earlier, but juggling this with my job, and starting a new one in between, made it difficult. I learnt that in my vulnerable moments, I tend to procrastinate and need things to be perfect, but eventually I learnt to let go of that and move forward.
That inner voice would say, “This is too hard, I am fooling myself, I can’t write a book, what am I thinking.” etc. But eventually, I realised I needed to get past these doubts and focus on my purpose and motivation to help others.
My support network was also encouraging me to keep going. I had to overcome my fear of sharing it with the world. Ultimately, I believe writing the book helped me process my experience and find meaning in what happened to me.
P: Is there a particular chapter or scene that stands out to you, either because it’s especially meaningful or was hard to write?
S: One of the most poignant chapters is Chapter Four, ‘Feeling Stuck in Our Cocoon’, where I explore the grief of the IVF process and its emotional rollercoaster, as well as our ultimate decision to stop.
The grief, disappointment and sadness that accompanied each failed cycle, and the difficult decision to stop pursuing IVF treatments, were among the hardest choices I have ever had to make.
Another significant chapter is Chapter 10, ‘Why Don’t We Talk About It?’ which highlights the importance of addressing these taboo subjects in the workplace and the need for us to discuss them more openly and provide support. It covers what organisations can do to support their staff during these times and how leaders should openly talk about these challenges. We need to normalise it.
P: How did you choose the title for your book, and what significance does it hold for you?
S: I named it this because it is how I felt at the end of the journey when I decided not to be a mum. I was like ‘What do I do now? What will my life be about if I am not a mum?’.
I have used a butterfly image on the cover as it represents my transition: from feeling like a failure, cocooned in darkness and feeling as though my life had not yet begun, much like the caterpillar, to eventually evolving like a butterfly and discovering fulfilment despite not having the children I had desired.
Even at the end of a journey that you did not plan for, you can still transform into something beautiful that brings joy to both yourself and others. Butterflies teach us that something wonderful awaits at the end of a gruelling journey. For me, a butterfly stands for hope, change and happiness. They were also my Nan’s favourite creatures, so I smile and think of her whenever I see one.
P: How did you balance the need to be honest and authentic with the need to protect the privacy of yourself and others in your memoir?
S: I believe that as leaders we need to be vulnerable and not worry about how others may perceive us or use what we share against us. I wrote this book to genuinely help others, so my honesty was really important – I did not use people’s names and spoke generally about my experiences.
If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to embrace vulnerability, especially as a leader. Allow yourself to be open and honest about your struggles and emotions. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; it is a powerful tool for personal growth and connection with others. By sharing your experiences and feelings, you can find support, understanding and strength to overcome many of life’s challenges.
From my experience, embracing vulnerability can lead to deeper relationships and a more fulfilling life.
P: Did you conduct any research for your book, and did you uncover anything that particularly stood out to you?
S: Yes, I did a lot of research. In fact, the first version I sent to the editor included many more facts and statistics, but I realised it was too much, and I received that feedback from both the editor and my husband.
The most significant discovery was the prevalence of infertility globally (one in six individuals at some point in their life) and the fact that in some countries around the world, those who are infertile suffer more intimate partner violence than those who are not infertile. Also, I was shocked by our current fertility rates, especially in Australia.
I was extremely fortunate to have a loving husband beside me and a supportive community, access to medical treatment, and the financial means to seek help and attempt to get pregnant. There are many people around the globe who do not have these, and this needs to change.
P: What misconceptions about IVF and infertility do you hope your book will help to clarify?
S: My book aims to address several misconceptions about IVF and infertility. For example, many believe that doing one round of IVF guarantees success, but the statistics show that this isn’t the case. On average, it can take up to three or more cycles to achieve a positive outcome. Around 30 percent of women will stop IVF treatment after an unsuccessful cycle, noting that the probability of success increases with each subsequent cycle, from 33 percent in the first cycle to between 54 and 77 percent by the eighth cycle.
Also, infertility isn’t something you can simply “get over”, it affects many people worldwide and involves a process filled with grief. It has a significant psychological toll, impacting more than just physical health, leading to anxiety, depression and even intimate partner violence.
I want to raise awareness of the broader impacts of infertility and emphasise the need for greater understanding and support for those affected. By sharing my personal journey and the challenges I faced, I hope to provide a more comprehensive view of infertility and IVF. My goal is to help dispel myths, and foster empathy and support for others undergoing similar experiences.
P: How do you think society’s view of infertility and IVF is changing – or still needs to change?
S: As women, we start and end our careers hormonally. We need to be okay with talking about these life-changing events from puberty, periods and fertility issues to pregnancy (or not) and menopause, so if this goes some way to helping get the discussion happening and helping people along the way, then it will be a success.
We are seeing more and more infertility happening today, with fertility rates in women declining from five births per woman in 1950 to only 2.3 in 2021 – Australia is worse with birth rates being 1.7 per woman and in 2023 only 1.5.
We see women also giving birth later in life, which is fantastic as we have so many more choices now, but with that comes a decline in fertility and a greater reliance on support, so there is a real need for more support and discussion.
I really do hope it sparks greater awareness of the trauma of Infertility and its impact, across many aspects of life – physical, emotional and societal.
Where you are in the world is a big factor as well, it can dictate what you get access to (medical or support) and the response from your partner and communities around you.
I was lucky I was in Australia, with a loving husband and financial means to seek treatment that was easily accessible. Some are not so lucky, where we see lack of medical support but also evidence of intimate partner violence (IPV) related to infertility, with a staggering 47.2 percent of infertile women having experienced IPV – psychological, physical, sexual or economic coercion.
So, it’s critical we focus on infertility to get the treatments and support where it is most needed.
I hope it generates discussions, normalises it, stops it being a taboo subject and gets support for those around the world suffering with this disease.
P: How long did it take you to complete your book?
S: The journey of writing this book from concept to end spanned multiple years. I decided to write the book during COVID, and started journaling in our backyard, under a tree with a glass of wine and our dog beside me.
It has really taken the last two to three years of dedicated time, to write with a full time job and other commitments.
In writing the book, I did study how to do it and learnt a whole new industry. That taught me how to build the story in a way that naturally flows. I had no idea when I began and still now, even though published, it feels a bit surreal.
P: Did you incorporate any of your procurement skills into your writing process?
S: I believe I incorporated aspects of procurement into the writing process through the research and data collection stages, similar to building a category strategy and learning about a new industry, as well as understanding the commercial levers.
I would say the writing process is what I struggled with, as I lead people and people give me energy, so engaging with people is what motivates me. Writing a book is the opposite of this – being stuck in front of a computer for hours on end was not my idea of fun.
P: What changes would you like to see in how workplaces support those going through IVF?
S: In the book, I challenge why infertility remains a taboo topic, even in today’s informed age. I emphasise the need to dismantle the stigma surrounding it and create safe spaces for discussing these experiences in our workplaces. Whether it’s infertility, mental health struggles, career challenges or personal loss, we must acknowledge these realities instead of letting them hide in the shadows.
Infertility has a ripple effect, impacting not just the individual or couple but also families, friends, colleagues and communities.
It is vital that we shift from silence to discussion; we know open conversations can foster understanding, support and healing. As a leader, I share my story to help others not feel so alone, and am proactive in discussing changes and reforms to how our workplaces manage these areas.
By sharing critical statistics and trends related to infertility, along with insights into its emotional toll, I hope it emphasises the need for greater awareness and support for those navigating these complex journeys.
I call for a shift in workplace policies and societal expectations to accommodate the diverse experiences of many, highlighting that success isn’t measured solely by motherhood.
Some of the aspects that workplaces are now implementing, or should consider implementing, include:
- Fertility and menstruation-friendly policies, enabling leave without scrutiny
- Leave for loss and surrogacy situations
- Infertility and fertility-informed policies, with extra time off for preconception, reduced hours and responsibilities, counselling and financial support
- Understanding treatments and their spontaneity, along with the need that you may not have a choice but to drop everything and go. Not having it linked to parental leave
- To enable extended leave for miscarriage, irrespective of what stage of pregnancy it occurs
- Improved information and education for leaders and managers to enable them to understand the impact of infertility, navigate the conversations and provide the right level of support
- Understanding the emotional outbursts that may happen without being judged by them
- Greater flexibility regarding where and how the work is done; working from home would be a great support for many during this time
- Normalise it by enabling discussions and using the terminology infertility as a disease, which should enable personal leave to be more readily accessible
- Flexibility to enable treatments and appointments to be attended during working hours
- Career planning flexibility programs to get back on track when ready, regardless of the outcome, or to continue to pursue treatment
- Removal of pregnancy wait times
P: What do you hope your readers will take away from your story?
S: You are not alone. It’s not your fault. You will be ok in the end. Life is great, and you can make it what you want it to be and do many incredible things.
Talk to others, seek people out who understand, to help you navigate how you are feeling.
P: If you could offer one piece of advice to anyone who’s about to embark on an IVF journey, what would it be?
S: If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to embrace vulnerability, especially as a leader. Allow yourself to be open and honest about your struggles and emotions.
Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; it is a powerful tool for personal growth and connection with others.
By sharing your experiences and feelings, you can find support, understanding and strength to overcome life’s challenges.
Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and lean on others when you need it. From my experience, embracing vulnerability can lead to deeper relationships and a more fulfilling life.
P: What’s next for you? Do you have any plans for future books?
S: I am not sure, but I want to get this book to as many people as possible, to help them navigate this process, so that is my focus for now.
I think I am still getting over actually finishing and publishing a book. It still feels surreal!
What Now…I Don’t Have Kids! is available globally via Amazon, Booktopia, Barnes & Noble and other retailers.For more information, visit Sharyn’s website.
